They're not really gone. Not fully. Not when I close my eyes.

Right?

This is the last time I'm ever going to ward to you Rowena, Anthony, you probably think I'm silly for writing to you. Or you would if you could read this. It's not practical, I know that, but I'm being irrational because I don't want it to be over, I don't want that to be it, us to never speak again, for me to never tell you what I'm worried about and you to tell me what I should do or for you to admit in your own way exactly what's bothering you and I never had the answers but I hope that I at least did something for you in listening. But it is it and it barely feels real except that I already attended your burial and now you're gone and Parvati's gone and I feel like I have no one to talk to so I'm just writing to you pointlessly. This isn't right and it isn't fair and maybe you'd tell me that life isn't fair or something of the sort but I don't want to hear it. You're dead. You're dead I can't even fathom this except that it's true. I know you don't believe in souls but this time I hope you're wrong. Because the thought of you just being completely gone forever and ever is absolutely unbearable. Merlin who am I kidding? Even if we do have souls and we have another chance or another place to go or anything like that, I'm never going to see you again. You said you hated me that one week when things got bad but you know what? I hate you. I hate you for leaving me here to do this all alone. I felt so lost then but that's nothing compared to now. I don't even know what to do with myself. How can I even think of any sort of redemption now? I tried to use the Killing Curse against some Death Eater. I tortured my friends and did so many horrible things and the only thing that pulled me through was knowing that I had to and the comfort (as horrible as it was and as selfish as I may be for this) of knowing at least someone else understood. That maybe afterwards we could try to make up for it and that at least you were right there beside me. Maybe we were fooling ourselves then, too. Maybe you're the lucky one for being     Rowena I'm still being so selfish. I'm always thinking about myself. You told me numerous times how you were trying to detach emotionally from the people you care about in case something happens to them and I thought you were making it worse for yourself. I still think you did but now     well it's not the other people something happened to it was you and now it seems like it was all pointless. You told me I should be detached emotionally too and maybe it would be making things easier for me right now but that would also sacrifice my emotions and my memories and it's not that I don't want them because they're painful, but they're painful because I want them. Maybe we both made the wrong choice there. I don't know. I told Parvati this (or, I wrote it to her just like I am to you) but I don't want to forget a single thing. Not a single thing about you and I know that before long these memories are just going to start fading and I'm going to feel your absence less and I suppose that's just life helping us along but I don't want to forget what you told me or what I think you would tell me in any situation. I don't want to forget the sound of your voice or the annoyed look you got all the time or your rare smiles. It'd be better even if you still hated me and never talked to me again because at least then you'd be here and We're different in that way, I guess. We're different in a lot of ways, really. You told me once that it was poetic when I said I had to be more optimistic than you to live, and at the time I didn't think so at all - I simply saw it as the cold truth but     well there it is, the sad irony of my truth becoming poetry I guess the thing about poetry is that it's not actually pretty from the inside. it's hell. I met your sister, by the way. Not met, since I'd met her before, but we talked. She's exactly as you said - not that I doubted you or anything but it was interesting to see. She misses you so much. She asked me to see her off to Hogwarts like you were supposed to, and I've agreed. I know we'd both rather it be you but that's impossible now so I'm going to try to do what you can't from now on. After all, she needs an older sibling and I need a sister. Perhaps we're just grasping at all the loose threads but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. You're gone but you don't have to be gone. You've left a mark on my life that can't ever be erased and now you're not here but the memories still are and the mark still is and in that sense you'll never really be dead. It reminds me of that quotation I found, the one about the "memory of the smell of smoke" and the "presumption that once our eyes watered" which you though might be directed toward you during those bad two weeks but actually wasn't. It's funny, now, that it does relate to you except that while I found comfort in it before, I don't any longer. I don't want just the memory of our time and a mere presumption that it meant something Rowena, what am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to try to make up for anything in my past when I simply want nothing to do with anything right now? I'm going to help your sister, to start the organisation you wanted, but I don't know when that will be or how that will work. She'll likely have to finish school first which gives me seven years to wait. It's the only definite plan I have in my life now aside from taking her to King's Cross, which is more than I had yesterday but     I just feel so lost. I feel like it's pointless to try to atone when I almost wish I had just given in. I don't know what to say to anyone any longer except for Terry and that's simply because we just don't say anything. I feel like a shell and I can't express anything to anyone because the only two people I want to talk to are gone and I'll never be able to speak to them again. Mahit tries but You meant the world to me, Anthony. I don't know how to describe what we had except for more, but it really was. I suppose I'm going to end this soon and it's funny how even though none of it feels real, knowing that I'm going to stop writing and never ward anything to you ever again is starting to feel very final. I suppose this is it. I love you, Anthony. I love you and it's completely platonic but I very much do and I think now I'm going to go to bed and hope this is all a bad dream and if it is then I'm going to tell you in person that I love you because I can't stand the thought of you not knowing just like I can't stand the thought of you being dead and gone forever and please come back.

I never thanked you for saving my life.

Thank you.

This is     this is ridiculous I'm warding to you because I feel like I'm only talking to myself but I need to talk to you Parvati I need my big sister. I got home from St. Mungos a little bit ago since they had to fix me up a little bit and Mama laid out white clothes and this doesn't seem real at all Merlin, Parvati. Why did you   I can't even believe   FUCK I couldn't have done it without you. I can't do it without you, Parvati. I've had seventeen years with you right next to me how am I supposed to live a century or so more without you there? A century or so where the only time I see you is when I pass by a mirror and see your face out of the corner of my eye? Our faces are the same but I look in the mirror and it's not you. How am I supposed to live a century without the other half of myself? Right now I can see you perfectly in my mind. I can't believe this but at the same time I feel like I have to go find something, that something's not right and I know that it's you and I won't find it and merlin I can't even think straight right now you're supposed to be right here next to me just like always and I feel so selfish right now because I can't believe even for a second that any good came out of the DA this year. I can't believe that any of this was worth it and I can't even care that You-Know-Who is dead (Potter did that, just like you knew he would) because you're not here and Anthony's not here and I know that I would trade all of that away in a second if I could and we could just marry purebloods and you'd be alive and I know if you were here you'd yell at me for thinking any of this and I'm selfish for it but I need you Parvati. And here I am upset that I have to live without you when you don't even get to live and I can't believe I'm writing these words down they seem like a bad dream but I'm not going to wake up from this bad dream. And if you were here you'd tell me to forget about you and to just worry about myself because that's how you are and I'm not Oh Parvati. I asked so much of you in the DA and I shouldn't have had any right to. I'd have asked anything and you would have done it in an instant even if it meant spending the night being Cruciated. I had no right and you never said no. We gave up our last term together because I joined the Inquisitorial Squad and you never complained once and now I regret it so so much I miss you so much and it's only been one day. I just want to crawl into bed with you like I did when we were little and something scared me at night but once we were together I was never scared any longer and we would just start laughing and wake Mama up and she'd come yell at us and we didn't even care and she'd ask us if we were going to do this when we were older and married and we'd tell her yes and laugh again. You were supposed to be at my wedding. I'd get cold feet and you'd be the one to tell me I was being ridiculous and how he's such a wonderful man and you haven't seen me this happy in my entire life and I'd squeeze your hand and nod and we both would know that it wasn't him I was worried about but leaving you, even if we were at each other's homes every single day. The world is supposed to be better now that You-Know-Who is gone but what sort of world is better when I lose my twin sister and my best friend (and you are also my best friend but it's more than that) in the same hour? Anthony's gone too, did I tell you? I think I mentioned it. He was killed too and he looked horrible and I found out right before they brought you in and I thought that when you found out you'd cry too even though you two never really talked much and I think he thought you were a bit flighty or something but he would have never said that and I know you didn't really seem to get him but you always liked him because I did. I think he didn't ever really see how alike we were. I don't think many people did except for our family but we really are so much alike. I always know what you're feeling without even looking at you and   Merlin why did you have to die? I can hear your voice echoing in my mind so clearly but what happens when I forget how it sounds? When I forget exactly how that laugh goes, the one you get when you're surprised. It's different from mine, completely different and I'll never hear it again. You're not here and that's the only thing I can think about right now but what happens when the day comes that I don't think about you once? When I can't hear your voice in my head or know any longer exactly what you would say to me about any given thing? What am I supposed to do then? I can't do this alone. I can't

I wanted to thank you two for not torturing my sister. I'm sure you understand why I did not thank you earlier, but nevertheless I appreciate it.

Mandy, I'm sure you've heard by now, but before you write me off I'd like to at least be able to explain myself.

I'm sorry I had to lie to you. I don't regret the choice I made much and nearly everything I have said to you this year hasn't been a lie except that I don't support the Carrows at all or what they stand for. I want you to know, though, that I treasure our friendship (even if this is the end of it, which I hope it isn't despite everything) and everything that's passed between us.

It's just     I want you to understand. I did all this because I want to live in a world where you don't have to be ashamed of people like your brother for what he is.

I'm sorry.

I suppose you've heard by now (if you hadn't seen) the way the Hogwarts Rumour Mill runs.

Let me start this off by saying that I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you so badly and I didn't, not because I don't trust you but because I couldn't trust anybody and because I didn't want there to be any chance that I was putting you in danger. We needed a spy and I was in the best position to do it. I can't say that I didn't have an idea what I was getting into when I joined because that would be a lie, but I will tell you that not once did I actually like it.

I know that this probably doesn't change anything and I know that the fact that I didn't like it doesn't really excuse anything. I'm not going to try to excuse it, I just want to explain. I let you go, Su, after I caught you freeing the newts because I'm not really like them but I had to threaten you to keep quiet to keep my cover.

Lisa, I lied to you a lot. I should have just stopped talking to you all together after that first conversation but I couldn't because I missed you and I know I was being selfish and yanking your chain and I'm sorry. It was just so lonely

You probably have a million things you could say to me and I probably deserve every one of them.

Hello.

This is warded to the four of us (Anthony, myself, Susan and Morag) since we'll be the ones doing this thing tomorrow. Anthony knows the plan and I told Morag some of it earlier when we spoke, but it's best if we all go over all of it so that we're on the same page. Please ask me any questions you may have - if there's a hole in this plan we need to know it.

Essentially, Anthony and I will "discover" the two of you about to do graffiti in the corridors. Seeing Susan is what immediately tips us off that something is wrong, and we manage to put both of you under the Imperius Curse and take you immediately to the Carrow's office. To make this realistic, I think we should actually put you under the curse.

When we get there, either Anthony or I will make one of you do something silly to show that you're actually Imperiused, but immediately after that we'll let the curse off and you two will pretend to still be Imperiused. Then, on our signal, we will all turn and stun the Carrows at the same time.

The signal will be any sort of mention of Dark Arts with the word "professor" at the end. As in, "I love Dark Arts class, professor." Or "Will we see the Muggles again in Dark Arts, professor?"

With four of us and the element of surprise, we should be able to take them. Then we'll take their wands, let the Muggles out of their cages and lock up the Carrows. We're not entirely sure what to do with them from there, but we were thinking we could transfigure them into a candelabra or something and when the war ends we can find them and turn them in.

It's simple, I know, but I think anything too complex will give us more risk for mistakes. This is straightforward and I think it will work. Are there any problems or questions?

This is rather important, so I would very much appreciate it if you all could read it and let me know your what you think as soon as you can.

I am under the impression that my role as an Inquisitorial Squad member no longer holds any weight with the Carrows. The Carrows' respect for the IS as a whole seems to be dwindling from what I can tell and given the fact that I was Cruciated for the first time ever last week when I was always let off before, I really believe I can do very little anymore for the DA as a spy.

That said, I would like to use what little privileges I have before they are completely gone. I've been talking about this a great deal with Anthony over the last few weeks, and I truly believe it - the Carrows are growing crueller (you've all probably seen Michael by now), and though we as the DA have been trying to address the symptoms (moving into the Room of Requirement being an example of this), the Carrows are the true problem here and we really can't protect the entire school.

Which is why Anthony and I have decided that we're going to use our covers as Carrow-lovers and try to take them out. I know this is going to be risky, but every other time we had been trying to avoid the Carrows, and this time we'd be meeting them head-on. If the plan goes off without a hitch, we should even be able to keep our covers, though if it is compromised before we can do it, we'd have to move into the Room of Requirement, but I'm sure most of you understand why we both wouldn't mind that one bit. In fact, I have been thinking about it for a few days anyhow - I don't think there is much of a chance of my true allegiance being uncovered at this point, but after seeing what they did to Michael, I can only imagine what they would do to me were the worst to happen.

We have a plan for this, but we need one or two volunteers to help out. I believe we've decided to do this either way, but it would be easier and safer if we had one or two other DA members - and this includes you lot already in the Room of Requirement. Would anyone be possibly willing?

I knew it would hurt but not like that. And they even took it easy on me.

Kirke is daft - peanut butter won't make anything better. Silly story games won't get rid of any of "our" negativity. Our negativity, because this is our fault? We shouldn't be subjected to any of this dear Rowena what have I done these last few months?

Terry Boot from my house seems to have gone missing. He was not at breakfast (and the boy does not skip meals ever) and no one has seen him since yesterday. Goldstein has gone to alert the Carrows, but I was wondering if anyone caught him out last night after curfew, since it's not exactly something I'd put past him.

If no one has, I'm going to go search for him, and if anyone else in the Inquisitorial Squad wishes to help, I would appreciate the company (and much rather not be alone if I do find him).

I think I'm getting too careless with people.

Bianca, at least, is coming around, or so Michael has said, and I'm very glad but I need to remember that I still can't blow my cover with her. I feel like I was getting a bit close, though I really don't say much, I just insinuate things. Then she says it. I do hate that I'm manipulating her, though I suppose that in the end it's for the best.

Of course, I feel that because Bianca is coming around I'm feeling lulled into a false sense of security with Lisa and Mandy. With Lisa, at least, it's not quite as dangerous, but I've also been saying far too much with her, I think. It's because I miss her terribly, of course, though I caught myself and ended up telling her that I do not care in the slightest that Michael is hurt which is a complete lie, but I suppose it is necessary. And Mandy, I'm going to feel rather horrible if she ever finds out about my cover because she's trusted me, but I know I shouldn't. I don't even entirely understand why she supports the Carrows, but she does.

I suppose I'm just tired of it, but I can't stop. I can quiet the Common Room just by walking in (all right, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but still), and that is the Padma I need to be.

All right, I really can't concentrate on anything any longer so I am going to stop trying.

Does anyone know if Michael is back yet? I know before when they've tortured people in front of us they let them shortly after, but I haven't seen him all day and they seemed to have Cruciated more than they usually do. I think. It might have just seemed worse considering it was Michael, but we've gone after their office twice in one evening and then again yesterday and so I have a feeling they might keep him tonight and Cruciate him again all of tonight, as is their general method. I haven't heard anything from the Inquisitorial Squad at least, though I suppose that's not necessarily a good sign.


I have to admit I'm really worried this might just be the beginning of the worst of it. Anthony and I have spoke a lot lately about escalation: how each thing we (as the DA) seem to do, lately, the Carrows will come back and do something more violent and more horrific, upping the stakes. It's rather obvious that they, of course, want us to just give up and give in, but at this point it's more important than ever because they have two Muggles - people - locked away in their office, people whose lives they place absolutely no value in, whereas at least for us we have assured ourselves (or at least tried to, since I have always questioned it after the incident with my sister) that they would not spill magical blood. On top of that they may still have the first year - I see little reason for them to have given him up, and quite possibly Michael, though I hope he will be back in the morning.

Rowena, I've felt like I'm going to be sick nearly all day and I feel like some of this is my fault. What can we do anymore?

I have a prefectly question for you. Some of the first years in my house are wondering about their friends who started a food fight last night, specifically some of the ones in your house. Apparently they weren't in class - have they returned yet?

And on a personal note, how are you doing juggling everything? Has it gotten any easier?

I hate to ask this, but do you think you could take a look at my independent project for Arithmancy? I present on Wednesday and I feel fully unprepared. Between prefect duties and IS duties and NEWTS coming up, things are just ridiculously hectic and I really hate to say it but I'm having the worst time concentrating on school-work at all.

Do you think you will be helping with freeing the Muggles tonight?

I've been rather concerned lately about this incident with Grayson Rosier and I would like to make a request of the two of you. If it is at all possible, I would very much like it if I were not put on prefect rounds with Rosier for the rest of the year. I know this may seem a bit extreme, but Blythe Hancock is not only a girl but pureblooded as well, and if he could do that to her I don't really want to think about what else he may do. Perhaps, even, it would be wise to not put him on rounds with a female prefect at all.

When I took points from him for it, he claimed it was an accident, but even if that is the case he can't be that reckless any longer - he's already hurt someone! I trust the two of you can find some solution to this issue.

So Anthony and I had a conversation yesterday. He apologised, too, on Monday. In case you were interested.